The deepest of human need is to be heard out and to be understood.
The child kept talking and crying nonstop for two hours. He showed his right hand which pained when he wrote. The parents had taken him to the Orthopedic Doctors who had prescribed calcium and suggested that there was nothing wrong with him.
I listened to him. He talked about studies, school, homework, tuitions and how the tuition teacher just gave writing assignments. There was no time to play and life was stressful. He poured his heart out.
From that day his miraculous journey to a fast recovery began. The eleven years old, 6th standard student coped with the help of the teachers and the parents.
There is a healing touch if someone walks into our world, understands and loves and cares for who we are.
All of us have make belief world with a fair share of secrets we want to reveal. Most of us want to tread into other people’s world in our personal – as parents, siblings or friends -and in our professional – as colleagues, teachers, and boss – life and yet we build walls rather than bridges among human hearts.
The reasons are simple. We do not know how to listen – attentively, patiently, without being judgmental and how to empathize.
Let us look at mistakes we make.
See how two friends are falling apart from this conversation. Savita is newly married. She is visiting her parents. Her friend Vishakha who is not yet married comes to meet her childhood friend.
Savita: It is difficult to be married. One needs to make compromises to adjust in a different family.
Vishakha: I know. That is the reason why I am not ready to marry. The thought of a marriage gives me goose bumps. My mom says…
(Mistake – interrupting the speaker and ignoring her feelings)
Savita: I go for a morning walk since childhood. It’s a meditative walk. I like quiet mornings which turn into days slowly like buds turning into flowers. At our house, everybody talks as soon as they wake up.
Vishakha: you have been sensitive since childhood. “I do not like lights while I am sleeping. I do not want noise when I am studying.” Come off it yaar.
(Mistake – Not accepting the person as she is. Criticizing)
Savita : Ya, I am like that. I can’t even go for the walk as I have to make breakfast as soon as I wake up.
Vishakha: Yes, Savita. You must take care of your in-laws. That’s your duty now.
(Mistake – advising)
Savita: I know. I do but I feel that lots of responsibilities have fallen on me.
Vishakha: I had met Pravina. I think she has adjusted well after marriage. She is can cope up.
(Mistake – Comparing, judging)
Savita: (Defending herself) the fact is that even I have adjusted well.
It was only natural for this friendship to not blossom. Vishakha failed to put her foot into Savita’s shoes due to the lack of similar experience. Some day in future after her marriage, she may grasp the gist of Savita’s talk.
Savita needed to talk. Let’s see Vishakha with better listening skills.
Savita: It is not easy to be married. One needs to make compromises to adjust in a different family.
Savita nodded.
(Message: I am with you. Go on. I am listening.)
Savita: I go for a morning walk since childhood. It’s a meditative walk. I like quiet mornings which turn into days slowly like buds turning into flowers. At our house, everybody talks as soon as they wake up.
(Vishakha thinks that Savita has always been very sensitive. She is sensitive to light and sound while she is sleeping. But that is how she is. Message: accepting the person as he/she is)
Vishakha (Mirroring Savita’s feelings to show I understand your feelings): You find it upsetting to plunge into the hustle and bustle of life.
Savita :Ya, I can’t even go for the walk as I have to make breakfast as soon as I wake up.
(Vishakha thinks that Savita should take care of her in-laws but checks out against advising)
Vishakha(Showing empathy): You are finding it hard to start work immediately.
Savita: Yes, I feel that suddenly lots of responsibilities have fallen on me.
Vishakha (Giving assurance): Every woman feels so initially. Slowly, everybody adjusts. I had met Pravina. It’s been 3 years since she is married and she has adjusted very well. So give yourself some time.
Savita feels better.
Let’s see another example. How a long distance relationship withers away due to misunderstanding on the phone.
Girlfriend: Hello, why have you not been calling? Have you been hurt by something I said when we talked last time?
Boyfriend: yes
Girlfriend (irritated): what did I say?
Boyfriend (thinking – why is she getting irritated and changes her tone, when the fact is that I am hurt): I don’t want to talk about it now.
Girlfriend: But I want to talk now.
Boyfriend: I do not remember what had happened at this moment, as I was in the middle of doing something. I am not such a negative person that I think about our fight every moment. We will talk about it later when I recall our conversation.
Girlfriend: No, I want to talk now. Was it because I said…
The one sided conversation continued. The boyfriend kept quiet. His thought process was – do I want to be with this girl who is so aggressive especially when I am a mild mannered person?
It is possible to develop sincere listening techniques.
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Listen to the intention than the words. we can misinterpret words.
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Look at the body language
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Try to put yourself in the speaker’s shoes
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Summarize the feelings in your own words
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Say something like, “I agree with you,” or “I understand how you feel.”
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Encourage the person. Be sincere.
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Understanding and knowing feeling words also help greatly in communication. https://leenawriterblog.wordpress.com/2016/05/19/how-knowing-feeling-words-help-you-in-day-to-day-life/
Hi Leena, nice post and good observations. I agree with you that listening to others is so important. My 5 year old daughter is 80% pacified the moment she realizes I am paying attention to her. And same is the case with grown-ups. If you just give a patient hearing to others’ woes, you are their true friends.
Cheers and Keep Writing,
Shweta.
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Thanks for writing Shweta.
you are right. children need patient hearing too. That is what play therapy is all about. Children play and verbalize their thoughts and feelings. we need to listen. That helps them find their solutions. https://leenawriterblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/28/43-understand-childs-mind/
Adults find their solutions too while talking because as soon as you start talking, your thoughts start getting crystallized making it easy to come up with the solutions. Being understood by someone is therapeutic.
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Great title and write up Leena. It is good to understand that listening is a skill and needs to be cultivated. I had read somewhere which is so true…most people listen with a view to reply rather than with a view to understand.
Kamlesh
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Kamlesh,
Thank you for writing.
Yes, most of us do not realize that listening is a social skill that helps both the parties to develop great relationship.
Most of the time, we are waiting for our turn to speak, listen half hardheartedly because we are not interested in others, we think about what to say next or advice.
I have a friend who was on the verge of depression. she is fine now due to three things. Yoga, reading books on positive thinking and patient listening by someone.
We need to learn this skill.
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Yes Leena…agree with you absolutely ….listening is so very important and am proud to say that am a good listener and have strong relationships in life….very good post.
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Hi Haseena,
I missed this comment. Hence the late reply. My apologies. good to know you are a good listener and have strong relationships in life. You must be happy in life for relationships truly make the person happy!
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